The Cemetery Visit

The small item in the netting near the roses is a bag of chocolate coins – each of our children gets these in their Christmas Stocking every year. I really struggle with only buying 3 Easter eggs and 3 Advent Calendars so I just bought 4 nets of chocolate coins as per usual.

Tonight I did something that I’ve never done before.

I visited Leah’s grave in the dark on my own.

As I walked sobbing through the deserted Cemetery in the pitch dark, I asked myself if I felt any fear, but realised that I didn’t. As a friend used to tell me “when the worst that can happen to you has already happened, what is there left to be afraid of?”

I reached Leah’s grave and used the torch on my mobile phone to illuminate Leah’s photograph on her headstone. The headstone went on Leah’s grave in January, in time for her first anniversary, but the photograph took longer to get sorted. I saw it for the first time when I visited her grave yesterday.

For the umpteenth time I asked myself “How did this ever become my life?”

I had attended a Bible Study at our church earlier in the evening. We had finished up just as the young people were coming out of Youth Fellowship. The last time that I was at our church just as the young people were coming out of Youth Fellowship was two years ago – collecting Leah.

I crouched down beside Leah’s headstone, facing the lights of the City. I could hear the whirr of the little windmills that adorn some of the graves. I could see the flickering of solar lights on other graves. I gazed across the silhouettes of rows and rows of headstones and thought about how much each person was and is loved by their nearest and dearest.

During the day, the cemetery can be quite busy and I feel a bit self conscious giving way to my emotions, but I didn’t have to worry tonight. I had the place all to myself.

After a while, I used my mobile phone to listen to a song that Leah and I used to snuggle up together and listen to when she was very distressed – Oceans by Hillsong.

When the cold wind had succeeded in chilling  every fibre of my being, I decided that it was time to return home.

OCEANS (Where Feet May Fail)

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

[6x]
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, you’re my God!

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine