Away in a Manger

Away in a manger,
No crib for His bed
The little Lord Jesus
Laid down His sweet head

Be near me, Lord Jesus,
I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever
And love me I pray

Bless all the dear children
In Thy tender care
And fit us for heaven
To live with Thee there

How can it be that after 10 months of daily crying and grieving that there are still whole areas of grief and loss that I haven’t even begun to address? All that it takes is some wee trigger and the floodgates of my emotions are thrown open.

Tonight at Girl’s Brigade the children were singing Christmas songs. This was the first time this year that I had heard any Christmas carols. It felt like a painful wound had been suddenly opened.

Last year our Christmas came to an unexpected and very painful end. On Friday 27th December I left the house at 8am with Rachel and Leah to drive to Belfast to take Leah to her regular weekly appointment at Belfast City Hospital.

We were all in good form because that night we were going to a big family get together in Donegal – our first since going to Bristol in July for Leah’s bone marrow transplant. Leah’s consultant had given her permission to go to the party.

My sister was flying in from London and was meeting us at the City Hospital. Leah’s boyfriend had been in England over Christmas and he was flying back that day in time for the party too. Leah was so excited.

By late afternoon Leah’s two aunties, her boyfriend and his mother had all congregated at the City Hospital. Sadly they all, along with Rachel, had to leave the hospital without us. Our Christmas celebrations had ended.

I eventually returned home on Thursday 16th January. I gathered up Leah’s Christmas presents, the packaging, the Christmas paper, cards, selection boxes and her unopened birthday presents and made room for her coffin.

Although “Away in a Manger” made me cry tonight – the words are also very beautiful. They tell the story of that first Christmas when Jesus – our saviour – came to earth as a baby. The carol finishes with a prayer that all of God’s children be made fit for heaven to live with Him there.

When Leah was three years old she asked Jesus to forgive her sins and to live in her heart as Lord and Saviour. Through her daily walk with God, through attending Church and faith based organisations – including Girl’s Brigade – Leah grew in her knowledge and understanding of God.

The peace and serenity with which Leah could face death leaves me in no doubt that the last verse of “Away in a Manger” is true of her. That assurance, despite all my tears and sadness, brings me great comfort.

Graham Norton – a Rend Collective fan?

What is the world coming to – I never expected this Corkonian to be playing Rend Collective?

Here’s the full length version of ‘My Lighthouse’ from Leah’s favourite band, this was played by “Under Construction” at her funeral, as Leah’s coffin was being carried out of the church.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

For the benefit of those who read this and don’t live locally, I would like to say a bit about Leah’s wake and funeral.

Leah came home on Friday (17th January) and as I said previously she was laid out in her blue formal dress in a white coffin with pale pink satin trim.

Her coffin was open in her bedroom. Surrounding her coffin on the bed were items symbolizing the different aspects and stages of her life.

These included her Girl’s Brigade hoodie and armband, her L.O.S.T. polo shirt, her school tie, items associated with Ballykelly C.O.I. Banter, her Baby Books and various photo collages.

Her pink fairy lights adorned the top of her bed and her Spotify playlist played softly in the background.

Many hundreds visited our house to pay their respects.

Visitors to our house included family, friends, neighbours, work colleagues, friends of friends, tradesmen who had worked on the house or supplied materials, the staff of Leah’s Primary & Secondary schools & people from the various youth organisations she was involved with and representatives of Sinn Fein, SDLP, & DUP – we have always encouraged our children to respect everyone’s cultural backgrounds & everyone was very welcome.

An army of women manned the kitchen and served tea, sandwiches & traybakes (cakes and biscuits, mostly homemade) to every visitor. Sandwiches, cakes, biscuits, home baking, milk, tea bags all miraculously appeared in the kitchen thanks to the kindness of friends, family and neighbours.

Soup, stew and other more substantial meals were also provided for us. Neighbours erected temporary signs giving directions to the wake and offering their driveways for “wake parking” – one of the many lovely things about rural Ireland is how everyone pulls together in a crisis.

On the Sunday morning family members gathered in Leah’s room for a time of reflection & prayer before the coffin was closed.

Neighbours & friends gathered outside the house. Then the men of the family including Nic took it in turns to carry Leah’s coffin to the road and we walked a short distance behind the hearse.

When we had driven to the main road the police (PSNI) were there ready to stop the traffic & stood to salute as the hearse pulled out into the traffic.

At Kilfennan Presbyterian Church an estimated 1,100 -1,200 gathered for the final farewell. The Girls Brigade Company had formed a Guard of Honour outside the church.

Members of the congregation had worked hard to set up relay systems outside and in overflow rooms and everything was done to perfection.

Funerals aren’t meant to be beautiful but Leah’s funeral service was beautiful – everyone says it was such a fitting tribute to who she was.

Terry Smith our church organist played the first hymn – the extended Smith family have been a great source of support to us on this journey.

The remaining music was played by “Under Construction” of which Leah’s cousin Peter is a member – Leah loved hearing them play. They were absolutely brilliant.

Rev Rob Craig, then present Moderator of the Presbyterian Church gave the address, he has known Leah from birth and everything he said reflected who she was.

Leah’s coffin was carried out of the church to one of the latest songs by Rend Collective – her favourite Christian band – called “My Lighthouse“.

After the committal at Ballyoan Cemetery, everyone was invited back to the church hall where another army of women served tea, a finger buffet and home baking (including gluten-free) to hundreds of people.

Horace and I got a chance to speak to a lot of people but unfortunately, we couldn’t get around everyone.

I would like to introduce you to yet another song that Leah and I listened to a lot, especially in Bristol.

You may ask “How come you listened to so much music?” The past 9 months have contained a lot of waiting, lot of “hanging about” and a lot of being away from home.

When Leah was well enough she used a lot of this time to study for her GCSEs, but there were many times when neither of us could barely concentrate to read or watch TV and that just leaves silence.

Sometimes silence is good – when it’s a peaceful stillness. However, when you are virtually living on a Children’s Cancer Ward and your child is unwell and everyone else’s child is unwell, silence can become a vacuum into which unwelcome thoughts crowd.

In Bristol, during those times when no words were left, I would get into Leah’s hospital bed and cuddle up beside her and this song always seemed to soothe us: “Oceans” by Hillsong

“Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now”