The Memory Box

 

Our eldest daughter Rachel on the left and Leah in the middle with their daddy, December 2011

Before Leah left home in N. Ireland to go to Bristol Children’s Hospital for her bone marrow transplant, she gave personalised gifts to some of the people closest to her.

For her daddy she made a memory box.

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For Christmas 2011 she had gifted him a “Daddy and daughter day out” promise.

Then they spent this day together by first going to church at the Vineyard in Coleraine.

Afterwards they had a picnic in the beautiful seaside resort of Portstewart in the Summer of 2012.

On the Monday night of the 14th July 2013 I took Leah and her boyfriend Nic and her cousin Deborah to the Youth Night at the Portstewart Convention.

When this had ended Leah informed me that they were walking down to the harbour. I was chatting to friends – nothing new there – and when I finally went looking for Leah, Nic and Deborah, they were nowhere to be found!

I tried all of their mobile phones and nobody answered. It was late at night and pitch dark. My daughter had a life threatening illness and I was supposed to be a responsible parent – I started to feel very anxious.

After what seemed like way too long, they reappeared around the coastal path, with Leah brandishing a jam jar full of sand.

She’d insisted on walking a considerable distance in the dark, until they reached the exact beach where she and her daddy had walked together the previous year.

There she filled up the jar that she had brought with her and that I had known nothing about. This jar was labelled and put into the Memory Box.

The remainder of the box contained other bits and pieces that she had bought for her daddy.

Leah left the memory box for Horace when we departed on Sunday 21st July ’13 with a note for him to not open it until he and Simon returned from Bristol on the Wednesday.

Horace was accompanying Simon to and from Bristol to have his bone marrow harvested and frozen until Leah would be ready to receive it.

Leah made a card for Simon and left a gift for him too.

 

The bar of whole nut chocolate now sits on my husband’s dressing table, still in it’s wrapper – too sacred to be eaten.

How precious each of these items, so lovingly chosen, now seem.

 

Sundays

Sunday – it used to be my favourite day of the week. It was a day for the six of us to be together whenever possible. Like this happy Sunday in November 2013 after Leah and I had returned from spending 14 weeks in Bristol.

Now it has become the hardest day in the week for me – the day when the “empty chair” seems most obvious. Yesterday was the first Sunday since Leah died that I baked sponge pudding. It’s easy to make and a family favourite, but in recent years Leah did a lot of the baking in this house.
I asked the kids what flavour they wanted and they replied “chocolate chip”. We still had half a packet left of the Waitrose chocolate chips that Leah brought back from Bristol and had been saving for a special occasion. I had used the other half in our baking for the gifts for some of the staff on our recent return visit to Belfast City Hospital.

I only managed a small piece of dessert but everyone seemed to enjoy it and appreciate it. There was only five of us but we managed a little family togetherness.

Chicken Fried Rice

Chicken fried rice – it was Leah’s favourite dish. When she got an A in her 11+ she went with one of her best friends from school and her friend’s parents to the local Chinese Restaurant in Ballykelly to celebrate and had chicken fried rice.
When she had her bone marrow transplant she had severe mucositis and became unable even to tolerate nasogastric feeds and was fed directly into her bloodstream via TPN. Leah couldn’t wait till she would be well enough to eat her favourite foods again.
Weeks after her transplant the day finally came and she was allowed out of hospital to SAMs House for a few hours in between doses of intravenous medication.

I was dispatched to the local Co-op supermarket for the fixings for chicken fried rice. Leah was so appreciative and said it was one of the tastiest meals she ever had. Several weeks later before we left Bristol, the embargo on take away food was lifted and Leah enjoyed chicken fried rice from the Chinese take away near SAMs House as well.
Tonight my eldest daughter asked me to make her chicken fried rice and my heart sank, knowing how emotional this would be. I love each of my children and want to nurture them, so of course I said yes. It’s hard to cook through a veil of tears.
When it was cooked we all had some. My eldest said it was lovely.
It’s another ‘first’ – another milestone along the way – another remembrance of Leah.

A Toothache Journey

After two emergency trips to the Dental Hospital in Bristol in October ’13, an emergency trip to the Dental Hospital in Belfast in November ’13 & four trips to my lovely dentist here in Derry, I have lost my toothache & my fear of dentists & gained a crown.
If only heartache could be cured as easily.
I so clearly remember sitting in the waiting area of Bristol Dental Hospital for that first appointment with scalding hot tears running down my cheeks & wondering which was worse – the pain in my jaw or the pain in my heart?
I’m thankful to have a dentist who understands our journey and a God who understands even more.
This beautiful song “My Hope” sung by Kathryn Scott and Paul Baloche has been a real encouragement to me this week and the YouTube video displays some gorgeous Northern Ireland scenery.

“I don’t know where you’ll take me
But I know You’re always good
My hope is built on nothing else,
Than Your great love, Your righteousness
I will not walk another way
I trust Your heart, I trust Your name
I’m holdin’ on
I’m holdin’ on, to You

You are my rock
When storms are raging all along,
You shelter me, God
I’m safe with you on solid ground,
I’m hangin’ on
I’m leaning in, to You”