family togetherness – My Journey:

Nine years.

My heart continues to yearn for Leah’s presence in the life of our family, although the rough edges of pain and loss are no longer as sharp as they once were.

Our other children are all grown up now, they have lives of their own. We are no longer directly responsible for them. We still worry about them – of course – what parent doesn’t worry about their children, irrespective of their age? I pray constantly for each of them. I don’t have to worry about Leah though, she’s safe in her heavenly home.

We love spending time with our children; walks in the countryside, cooking and eating together, evenings spent playing board games, having fun – time spent just enjoying each other’s company. We are very thankful for all of these precious times of family togetherness. We also delight in how much our children enjoy each other’s company and how they actively choose to spend time together – in 2022 this included a siblings trip to Tayto Park.

In the initial years after Leah died it was quite difficult to really enjoy family activities, as everything we did together as a family was also a very painful reminder of Leah’s absence. Thankfully, the intensity of the pain of grief and loss has eased somewhat over the years (or maybe I’ve just acclimatised to it) so that now I can really enjoy spending time with the kids without constantly wishing that Leah was there too.

Recently when I was tidying some of Leah’s belongings I came across a Devotional book that she was using in 2013, as the reality of her illness was unfolding. I noticed that she had highlighted phrases on some of the pages. On a whim I placed this book alongside my own daily devotional. I have been reading it most days since and reflecting on how God was ministering to Leah every step of the way.

This is what Leah read and underlined on this date in 2013. At this time she did not have a diagnosis and had not yet attended haematology outpatients. She was having weekly blood tests at our local GP practice and she was booked for an abdominal ultrasound at the hospital later that week. It’s comforting to read this and to be reminded of how God was giving Leah the strength that she needed, every step of the way……

We weren’t expecting to be able to avail of a therapeutic short break for bereaved families at Daisy Lodge this Summer. We had the privilege of being there for Mother’s Day earlier this year. We also had the opportunity of a short break there the past two summers. We felt that now that it’s been over two years since Leah died, that maybe it was time for us to step back and let other more newly bereaved families benefit from this amazing facility.

Then last Wednesday, out of the blue, we got a call to say that there had been a cancellation and they were offering us the option of going there at the weekend, if we were available.

My heart leapt with excitement. I quickly scanned both my work calendar and my personal calendar. Thankfully any commitments we had were ones that could easily be rescheduled. Simon unfortunately was unable to accompany us and Rachel couldn’t stay the entire Friday until Tuesday, due to her work commitments. Other than that we were good to go.

I couldn’t stop smiling for the remainder of the week, eagerly anticipating this most unexpected treat. When we first went to Daisy Lodge in 2014 I found it a very emotional experience. I probably cried for most of our first stay. Just being there was such a stark reminder of the journey that we were now on, one that I definitely didn’t want to be on.

However I now primarily look on Daisy Lodge as a place of healing for me and my family. A place where each of us is helped to relax and to heal, a place where we are encouraged to have fun interacting with each other, to feel like a family again, after the trauma of witnessing Leah endure such gruesome treatments and then eventually die. Daisy Lodge is a place where we feel supported, both by the compassionate staff who are on duty 24/7 and by our interactions with the other families who all walk a similar road. A place where no explanations are ever necessary.

I know from talking to other bereaved parents on private forums, that the devastation of child loss often results in the fragmentation of family relationships. A therapeutic short stay at Daisy Lodge goes a long way towards the healing and rebuilding of these fragmented relationships.

On one of the days during our stay this past weekend, we went into Newcastle to the Pleasure Lands Amusement Park (Rachel’s boyfriend Matt also joined us that day). Horace’s face was a study as he and the ‘kids’ spun wildly on the Waltzers. It was his turn to laugh at my facial expressions when I went on the Roller Coaster with Rachel and Matt.

Despite all the spinning around, our stomachs were settled enough to indulge in some award winning Maud’s ice cream while we were in Newcastle.

That night there was a “Photo Booth” back at Daisy Lodge, where Horace and I were ‘swallowed by a big fish’!

On Monday morning Horace and I enjoyed a trip to the nearby Burrendale Hotel swimming pool and spa. I tried to compensate for all the wonderful food I’d been eating all weekend by swimming 22 lengths of the pool, but before you start thinking that’s really impressive I need to tell you that it’s quite a small pool, not an Olympic sized one!

Monday afternoon saw Horace and I engaging in archery – the last time I recall shooting with a bow and arrow was while staying with my cousins in Clonmel, Co. Tipperary, when I was about ten years old. We used to make our own bows and arrows in those days, then climb trees and shoot. The ones at Daisy Lodge weren’t homemade of course. I was so engrossed in competing against my husband during the archery session that I forgot to take any photographs, but he beat me anyway!

Monday evening the four of us participated in a craft activity and worked together to produce these:

Tuesday morning it was time for the four of us to say a fond goodbye to the staff and the other families. We were by now well rested, well fed, refreshed and ready to face the world again. Thank you to the Cancer Fund for Children for once again refuelling us on this most difficult of journeys.