My heart continues to yearn for Leah’s presence in the life of our family, although the rough edges of pain and loss are no longer as sharp as they once were.
Our other children are all grown up now, they have lives of their own. We are no longer directly responsible for them. We still worry about them – of course – what parent doesn’t worry about their children, irrespective of their age? I pray constantly for each of them. I don’t have to worry about Leah though, she’s safe in her heavenly home.
We love spending time with our children; walks in the countryside, cooking and eating together, evenings spent playing board games, having fun – time spent just enjoying each other’s company. We are very thankful for all of these precious times of family togetherness. We also delight in how much our children enjoy each other’s company and how they actively choose to spend time together – in 2022 this included a siblings trip to Tayto Park.
In the initial years after Leah died it was quite difficult to really enjoy family activities, as everything we did together as a family was also a very painful reminder of Leah’s absence. Thankfully, the intensity of the pain of grief and loss has eased somewhat over the years (or maybe I’ve just acclimatised to it) so that now I can really enjoy spending time with the kids without constantly wishing that Leah was there too.
Recently when I was tidying some of Leah’s belongings I came across a Devotional book that she was using in 2013, as the reality of her illness was unfolding. I noticed that she had highlighted phrases on some of the pages. On a whim I placed this book alongside my own daily devotional. I have been reading it most days since and reflecting on how God was ministering to Leah every step of the way.
This is what Leah read and underlined on this date in 2013. At this time she did not have a diagnosis and had not yet attended haematology outpatients. She was having weekly blood tests at our local GP practice and she was booked for an abdominal ultrasound at the hospital later that week. It’s comforting to read this and to be reminded of how God was giving Leah the strength that she needed, every step of the way……
Two weeks ago I added ‘studying’ and ‘work placement’ to my already rather full schedule. Since then I have really struggled emotionally. My emotions are screaming at me to give up, that this was a crazy idea. My head is simultaneously reminding me that this is a door that God has opened for me and that I went into this really believing that it’s what I’m meant to be doing. To be fair, it’s only for three months – how hard can that be?
For the past year I’ve worked only three days per week and the other two days have given me space to grieve. Without that space right now I’m struggling – big time. Work isn’t the problem – I love my job, it’s everything else that I’ve added on, albeit temporarily.
Add to that the fact that this time two years ago was when Leah’s illness really took a turn for the worse. The last weekend in September 2013 started off well. Leah was looking forward to a planned meeting on the Monday with our lovely consultant, at which we had been promised that we would be given a date for booking our flights back home to Ireland.
Leah’s boyfriend Nic had flown over to spend the weekend with us. This meant that I had some time to myself – a rare occurrence – I had spent it cleaning and bleaching with another oncology Mummy, getting a house ready for her and her little boy to spend a few hours outside the confines of the Bone Marrow Transplant Unit. She’s Irish too and we had enjoyed the ‘craic’ together. Devastatingly, her gorgeous son Caiden died in similar circumstances to Leah in October 2014.
Then, on the Sunday night, Leah told me that she was passing blood in her urine. So, on Monday, instead of our consultant giving us the dates for booking our flights home, he readmitted us to the Bone Marrow Transplant Unit. Leah went on to develop a new complication every month until the one at Christmas/New Year that finally claimed her life.
I’ve cried a lot today, whilst wishing that I could use the time to focus on the E-learning that I’m supposed to be doing for this training course. I’ve really found that ‘time management‘ is not one of my strengths since Leah became ill and died.
Then on a shelf in my room I spied a book that I bought recently but hadn’t had time to read. It’s called “When the Hurt Runs Deep” by Kay Arthur. I heard Kay Arthur speak live a few years ago and I loved her energetic style of Bible teaching. She devised the Precepts Bible Study method, I was a regular attender at a local Precepts Bible Study until Leah became ill.
I started reading her book today. On page 73 Kay quotes Psalm 139:13:
Psalm 139:13(AMP)
For You formed my innermost parts; You knit me [together] in my mother’s womb.
Kay says that God knows the exact sperm and the precise egg that comes together to make us who we are. This stopped me in my tracks. Leah was conceived while we were having investigations for secondary infertility. Every month we longed and prayed that I would get pregnant. I went for prayer via the “laying on of hands” from those whom God has gifted in the healing ministry. Yet, God in His sovereignty allowed Leah to be conceived with either an egg or a sperm containing a mutated gene that would one day lead to her receiving a diagnosis of myelodysplasia with monosomy 7 caused by a GATA2 deficiency.
Then on page 77 of Kay’s book, I read a passage of Scripture that Leah and I used to read frequently. It brought us such great comfort. Leah’s illness separated us at times from most of what we held dear in life, so we tried to focus on the one certainty that her illness could never deprive us of – God’s love.
Romans 8:35-39 (NKJV)
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 As it is written:
“For Your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”
37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, 39 nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Then Kay Arthur writes “No hurt is so strong that it can separate you from His love. Your hurt is not intended to drive you from God but to God.“
Kay’s words remind me once again of the true source of my strength, of the only way that I’ve made it through the past two and a half years – by trusting God and leaning on Him. It isn’t easy and it’s not going to be easy but I just have to keep on going.
Just as the Israelites were told in Exodus 16 to gather the manna (heavenly bread) daily, so I also need to meet with God on a daily basis so that my soul receives the nourishment that it needs to survive and hopefully even to thrive.
Or, to once again quote from my favourite worship singer/songwriter Matt Redman, I must abide in Him:
Abide With Me
I have a home Eternal home But for now I walk this broken world You walked it first You know our pain But You show hope can rise again up from the grave
CHORUS Abide with me Abide with me Don’t let me fall And don’t let go Walk with me And never leave Ever close God abide with me
VERSE There in the night Gethsemane Before the cross Before the nails Overwhelmed Alone You prayed You met us in our suffering and bore our shame
BRIDGE O love that will not ever let me go Love that will not ever let me go You never let me go Love that will not ever let me go
VERSE And up ahead Eternity We’ll weep no more and sing for joy Abide with me We’ll weep no more and sing for joy Abide with me
My Journey: 