Who You’d Be Today

Who You’d Be Today

I came across this song on a Facebook site for parents bereaved through cancer:

“Who you’d be today”

by Kenny Chesney

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin’ in the rain.
I still can’t believe you’re gone.

It ain’t fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I’ve been through,
Just knowin’ no-one could take your place.
An’ sometimes I wonder,
Who’d you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky’s so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An’ I know it might sound crazy.

It ain’t fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I’ve been through,
Just knowin’ no-one could take your place.
An’ sometimes I wonder,
Who you’d be today?

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I’ll see you again some day.

I think it was the line “I wonder what would you name your babies?” that really got to me.

Leah loved babies and children so much.

Despite having just been diagnosed with myelodysplasia and monosomy 7 and being in the middle of her GCSE modular exams, Leah became the first female in N.I. to have her eggs harvested (egg cryopreservation) on the NHS, in a process similar to IVF.

Our gynaecologist told me she was at a conference in England last year and none of the other gynaecologists there knew of someone as young as 15 having their eggs harvested on the NHS in the UK.

We are however aware of a young girl in America with a similar diagnosis to Leah having her eggs harvested at 14.

Our consultant in Bristol was very impressed at how promptly Leah was attended to by the Regional Fertility Clinic here in N. Ireland.

Leah received her diagnosis on Friday 19th April and had her first appointment at the Regional Fertility Clinic in Belfast on Monday 13th May ’13.

I’m not sure how Leah felt about this appointment but I found it hugely traumatic.

The next day she sat her GCSE biology modular exam in which she got an A*.

I got the impression that in England the long waiting times for an appointment would make it difficult if not impossible for many girls/women to have their eggs harvested, as delaying their chemotherapy would be too risky.

Leah’s eggs have now been destroyed as per UK law.

I write more about Leah’s egg harvesting experience here: The Loss of Innocence

Leah with her cousin's child Timothy - she absolutely adored him ❤️
Leah with her cousin’s child Timothy – she absolutely adored him.
She was always so focused

She was always so focused

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Today by date and yesterday by day was Leah’s first appointment at the Regional Fertility Clinic in Belfast to see about getting her eggs harvested to preserve her fertility. This first appointment and the subsequent ones were very traumatic for both of us. However, the possibility of being able to have a baby in the future was so important to Leah and she wasn’t prepared to sacrifice her fertility no matter how difficult the process.
After this first appointment, I took her to Pizza Hut in Victoria Square as I knew that she would consider this a big treat.

 

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As we walked past the shops in Victoria Square I could feel waves of emotion crashing over me but for Leah’s sake I had to stuff my feelings down and keep them hidden. While waiting for food to be served our consultant haematologist phoned and I left the restaurant to take the call as it was very noisy.

 

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He asked me something that I needed to check with Leah regarding the answer but I was so distressed and confused that I went back into a different restaurant to look for her and wondered where she had gone! Then I realised my mistake.
We had travelled to and from Belfast by bus, partly because I hate long distance driving and partly because I was so distraught by all that was happening that I didn’t feel capable of concentrating on driving in City traffic.

 

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Leah had her biology GCSE modular exam the next day and was revising for this. On the bus home that evening Leah got me to ask her questions from her revision notes to help her.
She got an A* in this exam – she was always so focused!