The Cemetery was busy this Mother’s Day morning – maybe I should stick to coming at night?
I stood there staring and staring at her grave, trying to take it in.
Trying to understand how we got from THERE to HERE?
The sun was shining and the coloured stones that fill the little flowerbed at the base of her headstone caught my eye.
Leah loved arts and crafts, she loved making things, especially card making and baking.
When she was in P7 at Ballykelly Primary School her teacher had a Treasure Chest of materials for crafting.
Being allowed to use items from this Treasure Chest was a BIG treat for Leah. She especially loved being allowed to pick from the teacher’s collection of gems.
I looked at the coloured stones glinting in the sunlight and I smiled through my tears – Leah would approve of those!
The small item in the netting near the roses is a bag of chocolate coins – each of our children gets these in their Christmas Stocking every year. I really struggle with only buying 3 Easter eggs and 3 Advent Calendars so I just bought 4 nets of chocolate coins as per usual.
Tonight I did something that I’ve never done before.
I visited Leah’s grave in the dark on my own.
As I walked sobbing through the deserted Cemetery in the pitch dark, I asked myself if I felt any fear, but realised that I didn’t. As a friend used to tell me “when the worst that can happen to you has already happened, what is there left to be afraid of?”
I reached Leah’s grave and used the torch on my mobile phone to illuminate Leah’s photograph on her headstone. The headstone went on Leah’s grave in January, in time for her first anniversary, but the photograph took longer to get sorted. I saw it for the first time when I visited her grave yesterday.
For the umpteenth time I asked myself “How did this ever become my life?”
I had attended a Bible Study at our church earlier in the evening. We had finished up just as the young people were coming out of Youth Fellowship. The last time that I was at our church just as the young people were coming out of Youth Fellowship was two years ago – collecting Leah.
I crouched down beside Leah’s headstone, facing the lights of the City. I could hear the whirr of the little windmills that adorn some of the graves. I could see the flickering of solar lights on other graves. I gazed across the silhouettes of rows and rows of headstones and thought about how much each person was and is loved by their nearest and dearest.
During the day, the cemetery can be quite busy and I feel a bit self conscious giving way to my emotions, but I didn’t have to worry tonight. I had the place all to myself.
After a while, I used my mobile phone to listen to a song that Leah and I used to snuggle up together and listen to when she was very distressed – Oceans by Hillsong.
When the cold wind had succeeded in chilling every fibre of my being, I decided that it was time to return home.
OCEANS (Where Feet May Fail)
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
[6x]
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
Oh, Jesus, you’re my God!
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
Yesterday I went to North-West Memorials in Muff, Co. Donegal, to order Leah’s headstone for her grave.
I was there for over an hour as we discussed every aspect of what Leah’s headstone will look like.
I had been there previously and taken photos of headstones that I thought were suitable, then taken these photos home to discuss with the rest of the family. Together as a family we agreed on the wording and the design of the headstone for Leah’s grave.
I felt very sad of course, but I was able to keep my emotions under control, both while driving to and from Donegal and while talking to the lovely man in the memorial shop.
Today as I was searching on YouTube for a song that I couldn’t quite remember the name of, I happened upon this song that Leah learned at Primary School and sang constantly around the house and in the car, once upon a time.
I was immediately reduced to a blubbering wreck.
My heart aches with longing for the girl whose smile, laughter and singing, brightened our lives.
I JUST WANNA BE A SHEEP
Chorus
I just wanna be a sheep
Baa, baa, baa, baa
I just wanna be a sheep
Baa, baa, baa, baa
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
I just wanna be a sheep
Baa, baa, baa, baa,
Verse 1 Don’t wanna be a goat…nope Don’t wanna be a goat…nope Haven’t got any hope…nope Don’t wanna be a goat…nope
Verse 2 Don’t wanna be a hypocrite Don’t wanna be a hypocrite ‘Cause they’re not hip to it Don’t wanna be a hypocrite
Verse 3
Don’t wanna be a Pharisee
Don’t wanna be a Pharisee
‘Cause they’re not fair you see
Don’t wanna be a Pharisee
Verse 4 Don’t wanna be a Sadducee Don’t wanna be a Sadducee ‘Cause they’re so sad you see Don’t wanna be a Sadducee
Verse 5 Just wanna be a child of God Just wanna be a child of God Walkin’ the same path He trod Just wanna be a child of God
My Journey: 