Growing up I had two ambitions – to marry and have kids and to become a nurse and work with children.
I always adored kids and had babysitting jobs from my early teens. My nursing training took me in the direction of working with adults and it wasn’t until 2004 that I “remembered” that I really wanted to work with children so I went to work in a pre-school for children with Special Needs which I really enjoyed.
By then I was married with four children and my family were my life.
My goal in life was to put God first, my children and husband second, then everything else after that.
By 2012 I had got the job that I really wanted – working as a part-time Family Support Worker on the Health Visiting Team. I love babies and small children, I love supporting parents and I loved being back in the Health Service.
I used to wonder if it was ‘normal’ to enjoy one’s job so much. Life was good.
When Leah began having investigations and regular appointments at the start of January 2013, the flexibility of my working hours meant that I could tweak my work commitments, so as to always be there for Leah without ever needing to take time off my work.
My work was my “holy grail” and surely if I could keep that normal then everything else could be normal too.
The next working day after receiving the news of Leah’s awful diagnosis I worked a full morning of Home Visits before informing my manager of what we had been told regarding our daughter. She naturally questioned whether I should be at my work, but I insisted on continuing to come to work – my job was my means of staying sane – or so I thought.
Sadly, 10 days later, it was obvious to both me and to everyone else that I couldn’t combine the demands of caring for Leah and coming to my work.
I found it very distressing for a while to not have the ‘escape’ of going into work. I found it emotionally difficult to always be on the receiving end of the Health Service instead of the giving end – I felt at times terribly vulnerable.
Now it’s been over a year since I last went to work. My employers have been kind to me. My manager and my work colleagues have been incredibly supportive.
A goal has been set for my return to part-time work for the 1st September 2014. I know that the ‘me’ that will return that day will not be the ‘me’ that left in May 2013. I feel like a bird with a broken wing and wonder how it’s possible that I can ever fly again.
I have to continue day by day trusting that God will give me the strength that I need. This morning I was listening to ‘Sovereign‘ by Chris Tomlin and I noticed these words:
“Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you”
Every day is a challenge – the pain of my loss is like nothing I’ve ever before experienced.
Grief is a pain that just goes on hurting.
Throughout Leah’s illness and death I’ve never felt a need to ask ‘Why?’
When Leah was diagnosed one of the Bible verses that immediately came to my mind was
Job 2:10 (MSG)
‘He told her, “You’re talking like an empty-headed fool. We take the good days from God—why not also the bad days?”
Not once through all this did Job sin. He said nothing against God.’
Since Leah’s death my only question has been “How?” – “How is it possible to ever go on living without one of my children?”
More lyrics from ‘Sovereign’ –
‘All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you’
My Journey: 