Some people say to me regarding grief “Oh the firsts are the worst.” The first of everything without Leah; birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day, etc.
However, when I speak to other bereaved parents, they tell me that it’s not as simple as that. As the firsts become seconds and the seconds become thirds, the time since you last saw and held your child becomes greater and greater. As a parent that really hurts. I don’t want to feel more separated from my child than I already do.
As the month of December rapidly approaches, I’m very aware that last December was Leah’s last month at home. This December is the last month in which in which I can think/say “This time last year Leah was doing such and such.” This feels like further loss.
Friday 27th December 2013 Leah was admitted to hospital. Saturday 28th December was the last time that she was well enough to converse verbally. From then on Leah communicated mainly by typing on her iPad. Saturday 28th December was also the day on which the doctor told me that our daughter was possibly going to die.
These photos of Leah in the snow, taken a couple of years ago, sum it up for me really.
One minute Leah was such a vibrant part of our lives – on Thursday night 26th December ’13 Leah cooked a cheese omelette for her and her younger sister. Then the two of them went down to Leah’s bedroom and played together on Leah’s new WiiU. Their laughter echoed through the house as they enjoyed this time together.
Then in next to no time Leah was gone.
What we are left with is the deep imprint of her life upon our hearts.