The Healing Question

Psalm 16:8-11 (NIV)

“I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
nor will you let your faithful one see decay.
You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”

I live in a constant dichotomy between yearning for Leah, wishing that she was here with me and knowing that where Leah is now, she is safe and loved to perfection by her Heavenly Father.

Recently the question of healing has come up several times in conversation with different people and I have been asked for my opinion.

I believe in divine healing and I believe that God still heals today. I also however believe that God is sovereign and that He alone decides who will be healed, not us.

There seems to be a huge emphasis on healing in some Christian circles these days. That’s great if you or your loved one receives healing, but what’s it like for those who move in these circles and who don’t receive healing for themselves or their nearest and dearest? Then, they not only have their illness or bereavement to contend with, they may also be left feeling like second class Christians, or worse still, like spiritual outcasts or rejects.

In 1985 a lovely friend of mine called Sandra was diagnosed with cancer. She was a pretty, popular girl, in her early twenties. A group of us immediately started getting together to pray for Sandra’s healing. Then, one young man announced that God “had given him a word” that Sandra was going to be healed. There was much excitement and rejoicing.

Except for me.

I felt like the odd one out.

I was so uneasy and uncomfortable.

How could I speak up?

How could I say what I really thought?

They would think I had very little faith.

They might even think I wasn’t a proper Christian.

Eventually I could stay quiet no longer.

I addressed the young man in question and I nervously said, “Has God really told you that Sandra is going to be healed, or can you just not believe in a God who would let Sandra die?”

Silence!

Sadly my question was partially answered on the 12th August 1985 when Sandra went to be with her Heavenly Father, four months after receiving her diagnosis.

Before Sandra died, I visited her in hospital. I went in the hope of being a blessing, but I was the one who came away blessed. Sandra was weak and ill, but she just radiated peace and joy. The presence of God in her hospital room was almost tangible.

Why do some Christians become so fixated on healing as being the only possible option for their loved one?

Is it due in part to their inability to believe in a God who would let their loved one die?

Yet, for the believer, death is not the end, it’s a new beginning.

Yes the pain of missing Leah is awful.

Yes I cry every day.

I grieve for the fact that she wasn’t here to collect her Girl’s Brigade Queen’s Award recently.

I grieve that she isn’t right now sitting her AS exams.

I grieve that she isn’t heading off on an Exodus Team this Summer.

I will continue to grieve for every age and stage of development that we don’t get to experience with Leah.

Yet, I know that Leah is safe, I know that she is loved beyond my comprehension.

The Bible says that as believers, we need not grieve as those who have no hope. (1 Thessalonians 4:13 )

I don’t grieve as those who have no hope.

I do have hope, but it still hurts.

Every day it hurts, really, really badly.

I’m learning not to fear pain, I’m learning to live with pain.

I’m also learning that He is sufficient for my every need.

My Diaries

The other day I was listening to one of John Piper’s sermons and I was really blessed. I credit John Piper‘s teaching for having instilled within me a strong sense of the sovereignty of God which has helped me to cope with Leah’s illness and death.

In this sermon John Piper says:

There are three ways that God protects His people from danger.

1) Sometimes He prevents danger from even arising on the horizon of our lives.

2) Other times He allows the danger to attack, and gives us the victory so that we live on and serve Him in gladness.

3) But in the end one enemy is never driven off, the enemy of death. We will all die if the Lord does not return in our lifetime. But here, too, God protects. He protects us from unbelief, and preserves us for His heavenly kingdom.

Leah was in category 3 – God allowed her to suffer but protected her heart from unbelief. As she lay dying in ICU she was so peaceful and serene. Leah told her boyfriend that she wasn’t afraid to die. Although of course, she wanted to live if at all possible.

I guess that I am in category 2 – a category I would never have chosen for myself – I would have chosen category 1.

Since my early teens, one of the ways that I have used to cope with stress, is by writing in a diary or notebook. Sometimes I write almost daily, sometimes I don’t write for months at a time. It just depends on what’s happening in my life.

As soon as Leah was diagnosed, I immediately started writing. I’m so glad of this now. If I was relying on my memory, it would all just be a blur, because that’s what stress does.

I recently read through my diary entries from the early weeks immediately following Leah’s diagnosis.

We received Leah’s diagnosis on Friday 19th April ’13. On Saturday 20th April ’13 I was booked into a Ladies Christian Conference in Ballymagorry, Co Tyrone, organised by 1Vision Jesus. Leah was spending Saturday with her boyfriend so I went to the conference as planned.

The theme for the conference was “Walking in the Fire“. The speakers were Gloria Kearney and Carol Heron. I felt like I was walking in the fire alright.

There was an opportunity for prayer ministry during the day and I went to Carol and Gloria for prayer. They laid hands on me and while they were praying over me Carol received a vision:

Carol said that I was sitting in a room and everything was dark and in the vision I asked “Why is everything dark?” Then in this vision a screen started to play like a cinema screen with pictures on it and I saw things on it that I couldn’t see while the lights were on. Carol said that this suggested that I was entering into a period of darkness that would bring spiritual revelation into my life and that I would receive new knowledge (new to me).

These words still blow me away, although in a sad kind of a way.

On Friday 26th April ’13 I wrote the following words in my diary.

Then a few weeks later I wrote this:

Kirsty came and introduced herself to us during our first outpatients appointment in Bristol. She was a fantastic friend to us during the 14 weeks that we were there. She regularly brought me food parcels when I was on “lockdown” with Leah in the Bone Marrow Transplant Unit. She also gave me a lift to church, or arranged for someone else to pick me up, the Sunday’s that I was able to go.

I remember that day at the “Walking in the Fire” conference, lifting my hands in worship, as we sang one of the songs that Leah so often played on her iPod:

10,000 Reasons By Matt Redman

The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I’ll worship Your holy name